Self indulgent insomniac ramblings

I went to bed before 11. Its now ten to 1, and as I'm no closer to sleep than I was an hour ago, in fact I feel more awake if anything, I thought I'd scribble some notes for a blog post.

So what's going on in my head at this hour? I have to admit that just now its mostly work-related. Not surprising I suppose, as its all still fairly new, but this new (part-time!!) job does seem to have taken over my entire life. I'm assuming the work-life balance bit will level out soon?

These past 4 weeks have been extremely stressful. Not necessarily in a bad way - I'm sure its the same for most people going into a new work environment. I just want so much for the newbie stage to be over. I still feel slightly nervous every time I go in, and I'm a bit sick of that.

Its true - I do 'worry too much', as I've often been told throughout my life. According to some I also 'think too much' (?) So what, exactly, am I worrying about:
Am I up to the job?
Am I going to get something spectacularly and ridiculously wrong?
Do my colleagues like me?
And seemingly the biggest one:
Do they think I'm stupid?

This last one is a concern that plagues me in most situations. I know I'm not stupid, but I'm acutely aware that I'm really not very articulate, verbally anyway. And I think that I can easily come across as a bit thick because of my lack of repartee.
I wish this didn't bother me so much, and that I could say "I don't care what people think of me!" and mean it - but it does matter to me, especially when its people I'm dealing with on a daily basis.

I have literally no idea what other people make of me, I find it very difficult to read people in that way. All I have to go on is my own self image, which is not very healthy or kind, so thats a bit depressing.
At work I've been making a huge effort to be more friendly and smile more, but then I wonder if I just look like a big grinning idiot!?
Sometimes I long to know how others see me, but what if its even worse than I imagine? maybe I'm better off in ignorance.
I could drive myself mad with all this stuff.

So. I have developed a plan of action (of sorts). I have made the decision to go ahead and join the local gym. I think I can just about afford that luxury for myself. And I will seriously throw myself back into a proper training regime. I would love to get back to some running too, but will see how it goes on the treadmill for a while, taking it very slowly. I still don't trust these shins.
I know I feel better about myself when I feel fitter and stronger. Also, I'll be better equipped to beat up anyone who says I'm stupid.

Best pizzas ever

We had a Saturday night pizza-making session - very tasty indeed :-)

Pre oven

Post oven

And we scoffed the lot while watching Dr Who. Happiness.

I forgot to mention last time - our Ben Nevis climb had to be rescheduled (due to a forecast of gales and blizzards!!!!) so we now plan to do it next Saturday (11th June). Will let you know how we get on.

The insomnia continued into the earlier part of last week, so its all a bit of a blur. A got on with bits and pieces, and all the usual clubs/classes, I was in the background trying not to fall asleep! I'm feeling a bit better about things now, but job hunting has to become a priority I think.

With the prospect of employment, and less time around for A, I'm trying to prepare her and encourage her to do more self-directed work. I've just signed her up for a K3 science course, I'm thinking it will give her a taste of science as an academic discipline (we've done quite a lot of 'sciencey' stuff, but nothing structured) so she can see how she gets on and decide whether she wants to take it further. So with that, and her essay-writing course, and the new maths website we're signing up to, as well as all the unstructured stuff she's doing, I feel we have quite a lot covered! And - most importantly - she seems to be quite up for it all.

I got out running a couple of times this week. A bit disappointing this morning - I thought I could increase my running time a bit, but soon discovered this was not going to happen (really thought I was going to collapse in a sweaty heap). After a few minutes walking I went back to 1min run/1min walk, which was fine, seems to be my level at the moment. Really hate this newbie stage, although of course its necessary to achieve anything. I feel the same in the body pump class, because as much as I love it, I have the tiniest weights while everyone else has got big heavy weights. And I still struggle with some of the exercises. The instructor keeps saying to us "if its getting too much just take some of your weights off", but if I did that I'd just be lifting the pole! I suppose I have to swallow my pride and focus on a future where I am running marathons (or my more realistic short term goal of getting round my 2 mile loop without stopping).

We're off for a hike tomorrow, along the beach, not sure if A's legs know what they're in for next Saturday ;-)