Monday, 24 October 2011

Self indulgent insomniac ramblings

I went to bed before 11. Its now ten to 1, and as I'm no closer to sleep than I was an hour ago, in fact I feel more awake if anything, I thought I'd scribble some notes for a blog post.

So what's going on in my head at this hour? I have to admit that just now its mostly work-related. Not surprising I suppose, as its all still fairly new, but this new (part-time!!) job does seem to have taken over my entire life. I'm assuming the work-life balance bit will level out soon?

These past 4 weeks have been extremely stressful. Not necessarily in a bad way - I'm sure its the same for most people going into a new work environment. I just want so much for the newbie stage to be over. I still feel slightly nervous every time I go in, and I'm a bit sick of that.

Its true - I do 'worry too much', as I've often been told throughout my life. According to some I also 'think too much' (?) So what, exactly, am I worrying about:
Am I up to the job?
Am I going to get something spectacularly and ridiculously wrong?
Do my colleagues like me?
And seemingly the biggest one:
Do they think I'm stupid?

This last one is a concern that plagues me in most situations. I know I'm not stupid, but I'm acutely aware that I'm really not very articulate, verbally anyway. And I think that I can easily come across as a bit thick because of my lack of repartee.
I wish this didn't bother me so much, and that I could say "I don't care what people think of me!" and mean it - but it does matter to me, especially when its people I'm dealing with on a daily basis.

I have literally no idea what other people make of me, I find it very difficult to read people in that way. All I have to go on is my own self image, which is not very healthy or kind, so thats a bit depressing.
At work I've been making a huge effort to be more friendly and smile more, but then I wonder if I just look like a big grinning idiot!?
Sometimes I long to know how others see me, but what if its even worse than I imagine? maybe I'm better off in ignorance.
I could drive myself mad with all this stuff.

So. I have developed a plan of action (of sorts). I have made the decision to go ahead and join the local gym. I think I can just about afford that luxury for myself. And I will seriously throw myself back into a proper training regime. I would love to get back to some running too, but will see how it goes on the treadmill for a while, taking it very slowly. I still don't trust these shins.
I know I feel better about myself when I feel fitter and stronger. Also, I'll be better equipped to beat up anyone who says I'm stupid.

Saturday, 15 October 2011

The Postman Lady

I was delivering a parcel the other day - a small child answered the door then shouted: "Mum, its the postman lady!"

I quite like that title :-)

The job is still going very well. I finally had the driving assessment (the first one was cancelled) - very nerve-wracking! But the assessor said I was safe to drive, which is just as well because thats the main part of the job. I have to say, hearing the list of all the things I did wrong did knock my confidence a bit, and I was feeling quite nervous about driving the van the next day. But its probably good to be aware of things I need to address.
I'm definitely liking working in a male dominated environment ;-) There's quite a good-natured vibe about the place, with a fair bit of piss-taking and wind ups. I'm sure it will take me a while to suss it all out and navigate the workplace politics, but for the moment I'm just enjoying the uncomplicated blokeyness of it all.

I'm still struggling a little with getting into the new work routine, especially with A being on school holiday. She's been off here, there and everywhere with various friends. She has been very good about keeping in touch, being home on time and doing bits of housework I've asked her to do. She's really showing how mature she's become, and has been very supportive to her working Mum.

I feel I'm going to be writing less and less about A. There's plenty going on with her (mostly good, some slightly worrying - from a protective Mum point of view!) but it just doesn't seem right to be writing about her so much any more. I've always checked with her that she's ok with what I'm writing, but even that seems like a bit of an intrusion these days.
I've had to really consciously 'let go' in lots of ways over the last few months. One of the hard things about being a single parent is not being able to discuss and debate changes - how much more freedom do I give her? I suppose none of us really know if we're getting it right. I'm thankful for the fact that we still get on well, still laugh together, and she still tells me stuff. I am hugely proud of her, did I ever mention that?

So, with A more than ever off doing her own thing, its made me think about all the new freedom I now have. What could I get up to? Climb more mountains...write a novel...get a boyfriend...learn to surf...
More suggestions anyone??

Monday, 3 October 2011

Back on the (health) wagon

I was lying on the sofa yesterday feeling a bit like a whale, and decided "enough of this nonsense". I haven't actually put on any weight, but my body just feels different: lazy and sluggish. I've got into that cycle of eating junk - craving junk - eating more junk. Its ridiculous because I know a fair bit about nutrition and health, I have no excuses.

So - a new start!
I have been meal planning :-) I had intended to start doing this a while back and never got around to it. The hours of my new job have forced the issue somewhat - getting home at 6.30pm means I don't have a lot of time to cook, so I need to prepare meals in advance. Planning the week's dinners on a Sunday, including when to cook them, makes it all feel much more organised and less stressful. I'm hoping it will work out more economical too as I'll just do one shop for the week.
I made a huge pan of lentil hotpot today - one evening meal for both of us (with rice), plus 3 lunches for me, and possibly a couple of portions for the freezer. I'm also going to make a big veggie lasagne for later in the week, most of which I can freeze in portions. There's one night a week when A goes out to Guides at 7pm, so she'll have to do her own dinner, it will be good to have some nutritious meals in the freezer that she can just bung in the oven. She is capable of cooking herself something reasonable, but what with homework and her social life, she might not manage it every week!

I've also been looking for local fitness classes, as getting to the gym and classes I used to do just doesn't work with my new schedule. So far I've found a kettlercise class one morning a week (I'm not entirely sure what kettlercise is - apparently it doesn't involve making cups of tea, which is a shame). And I'm thinking about joining the local sports club. I always thought it was too expensive, but it probably works out just as much to do what I was previously doing - travelling to a 'pay as you use' gym. It just felt cheaper as it was a little at a time.

The new job is going very well, I think I'm going to like being a postie :-)
There are two parts to the job - delivering parcels, then collection from the post boxes. The guys have all been very helpful (I am the only girl postie) although I haven't met that many of them as most have finished by the time I start. I have the driving assessment tomorrow, which I'm slightly nervous about as I'm not used to driving a van, but hopefully I'll do ok.

In other news - I made some chutney!!

It needs to mature for about a month, so I've no idea if its any good - I'll let you know.