Self indulgent insomniac ramblings

I went to bed before 11. Its now ten to 1, and as I'm no closer to sleep than I was an hour ago, in fact I feel more awake if anything, I thought I'd scribble some notes for a blog post.

So what's going on in my head at this hour? I have to admit that just now its mostly work-related. Not surprising I suppose, as its all still fairly new, but this new (part-time!!) job does seem to have taken over my entire life. I'm assuming the work-life balance bit will level out soon?

These past 4 weeks have been extremely stressful. Not necessarily in a bad way - I'm sure its the same for most people going into a new work environment. I just want so much for the newbie stage to be over. I still feel slightly nervous every time I go in, and I'm a bit sick of that.

Its true - I do 'worry too much', as I've often been told throughout my life. According to some I also 'think too much' (?) So what, exactly, am I worrying about:
Am I up to the job?
Am I going to get something spectacularly and ridiculously wrong?
Do my colleagues like me?
And seemingly the biggest one:
Do they think I'm stupid?

This last one is a concern that plagues me in most situations. I know I'm not stupid, but I'm acutely aware that I'm really not very articulate, verbally anyway. And I think that I can easily come across as a bit thick because of my lack of repartee.
I wish this didn't bother me so much, and that I could say "I don't care what people think of me!" and mean it - but it does matter to me, especially when its people I'm dealing with on a daily basis.

I have literally no idea what other people make of me, I find it very difficult to read people in that way. All I have to go on is my own self image, which is not very healthy or kind, so thats a bit depressing.
At work I've been making a huge effort to be more friendly and smile more, but then I wonder if I just look like a big grinning idiot!?
Sometimes I long to know how others see me, but what if its even worse than I imagine? maybe I'm better off in ignorance.
I could drive myself mad with all this stuff.

So. I have developed a plan of action (of sorts). I have made the decision to go ahead and join the local gym. I think I can just about afford that luxury for myself. And I will seriously throw myself back into a proper training regime. I would love to get back to some running too, but will see how it goes on the treadmill for a while, taking it very slowly. I still don't trust these shins.
I know I feel better about myself when I feel fitter and stronger. Also, I'll be better equipped to beat up anyone who says I'm stupid.

Fitness Freak

I feel the need to do a post about my fitness regime and how its been progressing. This is not related to HE, but its what is going on just now for me, and after Lucy over at Skedaddle! linked to me I feel I should write something about my new obsession with becoming a super-toned, zombie-fighting action babe.

This is all Lucy's fault. Well, actually I came across her blog just after I'd started going to the gym and eating healthily again, and she inspired me to take things a step further and really go for it, which is when I added running, circuits and resistance training to the plan.

I was really enjoying the running (surprisingly!) and had got up to alternate 4 mins running/1 min walking on my 2 mile river route (probably sounds a bit pathetic, but I was slowly increasing my running time) then I was hit with shin splints so had to slow things right down :-(
However, I am determined to get back to running, and am planning on joining a local runners group once I feel a bit more confident.

I'm also enjoying the regular (2-3 times a week) gym visits, especially as A now comes with me sometimes. And on Friday I discovered something truly wonderful - a body pump class. An hour of lifting weights to very loud music, while a lovely (and slightly camp) instructor shouts at us, and occasionally bursts into song along with whatever track is playing. I don't know how he manages it, but he rolls the barbell up and down his body so suggestively its almost obscene. I love this class soooo much.
I paid for this the following day though - I was ill all last week (nasty cold) and an hour in the gym and then the class was a bit too much, as on Saturday I was wrecked. I got so miserable and grumpy that A sent me back to bed.

I'm really glad I have this to focus on as other aspects of my life seem to be imploding. Had an extremely stressful day yesterday (cant go into detail, but nothing to do with A) and got about 3 hours sleep last night. My confidence has taken a real knock recently, the self employment is feeling overwhelming and impossible. Basically I have just lost my bottle where that is concerned, so am now seriously looking for a crappy job to keep us going, one with hours that wont affect HE too much. I guess that means early morning cleaning then - oh joy!

On a brighter note - I have booked our flights for our holiday to Italy in September - cant wait! If I keep with Lucy's project (which I WILL - of course!) I may even pack a bikini ;-)

Friday

Merry over at Patch of Puddles is looking for HE people to photo-blog 'a day in the life' for her blog carnival, so I thought I would join in.

This was the beautiful clear sky at 7am when I got up for my early morning jog (A was still fast asleep at this point!)


A couple of hours later and A emerges. First things first - facebook check.

Another crucial task - apply make-up.

After breakfast A does some work on her essay-writing course, she's just started it so is looking at paragraphs and how to make them 'flow'.

Meanwhile, I'm preparing a poster we're making of the periodic table. I've measured and drawn out the structure of the table, A is going to do the arty/pretty stuff - colours and script.

A bit later and she's moved on to maths. A is finishing the 'exams' which conclude the online curriculum she's been following. After struggling with some long multiplication, she manages to get 12 out of 13 correct -yay!

Falafels for lunch!

A pause for some prettiness at the top of the stairs - reflections from the sunshine

Next its off to collect the car (we have a car-share arrangement with Granny)

A has control of the camera while I'm driving:

Music (and singing along) is a definite requirement in the car!

20 miles later we arrive in Elgin, have an hour in the gym, then its skating club for A

After skating one of A's mates comes back with us for a sleepover

Crazy makeover fun!

The day concluded with some late night film-watching in bed for the girls, and a vodka & tonic, and vegging in front of the TV downstairs for me.

Not sure if thats a 'typical' HE day, but that was our Friday :D

Two blog posts in one week -

Whats going on???? You can tell I am child free at the moment :-)

Since the beginning of the year I've been trying to be a bit more active. My main aim is to improve my general fitness level, if I should lose a few pounds (or a couple of stones) along the way that would be fabulous, but my motivation is mostly to do with health.

I've been getting out walking more, especially in this spring weather. The beach is my favourite, and it was so hot at the weekend that there were quite a few people in the sea (this is the foot-numbing North Sea we're talking about!).

This morning I did the river loop - probably about 2 miles. Its a beautiful, quiet walk, with just the occasional dog walker or cyclist to say 'hello' to.

I was going to Bhangra dance classes too, which were fun at first, but the novelty has worn off a bit now. I'm getting fed up with watching myself prance about (in a very undignified manner) in the massive mirrored wall of the dance studio. I watch the teacher, I do exactly what she's doing, but for some reason when I catch sight of myself my body seems to be behaving like a drunken panda.

I was also going to a boxercise class, which I absolutely LOVED!! But unfortunately its changing nights and now clashes with Italian class, so no more boxing :-(

So - to keep up some kind of fitness regime I decided to rejoin the gym, and A has said she wants to join too now she's old enough. I went for my induction the other day, and was taken round by what looked to me like a 14-year-old boy. I think I must be getting old. But I'm looking forward to getting back into working out - I used to go quite regularly when I was studying for my degree and A was at school, and I really used to enjoy it. It will be even better now we can have family trips to the gym together.

A seems to be having a great time down south. We had a slightly disastrous (also quite hilarious) skype session at the weekend - half the time she couldn't hear me, and apparently the rest of the time I was shouting at her. Since then we have stuck to messaging on facebook, she even got me on 'chat' which I hate.

The website is coming along nicely, and I've just heard that I have an article going into the June/July issue of Green Parent magazine - very exciting :-)